By Jeramya tha Profet
dedicated to Nina Byznazitina (who pees on Richard)
In the event that an uneducated, fascistic, immoral, repugnant “alleged” rapist (a.k.a the King of Pigs/the King of Piss) comes into power in your country, just remember that being in possession of a book that isn’t the Bible (specifically the New Testament), Mein Kampf, or something written by whoever the “alleged” rapist is could be dangerous.
The number one rule of being in possession of such books under the “alleged” rapist’s regime is to craft a book cover that has the word “Bible” (or “Koran” or some other religious storybook’s name depending on the country you’re in) written on it and use it to cover any book that you’re reading.
If you’re on the move then none of the “alleged” rapist’s bootlickers—even if they suspect that you think for yourself—will turn their attention away from the Nazional Enquirer shitrag they’re browsing to stop you.
However, the fake Bible book cover itself isn’t enough. If you find yourself being followed because that thinking person’s gleam in your eye has given you away then you’ll need to find places to quickly hide your book where it can’t be found while you lay low until you can return to pick it up. I’ve listed just a few of the places to hide a book while living under an “alleged” rapist’s fascist regime. As you might have guessed, I can’t list them all because the bootlickers of the “alleged” rapist’s regime would also know where to look and the consequences to you and your book could be dire. I’m revealing these five places because they are such good places to hide your books that the “alleged” rapist’s bootlickers wouldn’t find them anyway.
1. Fancy hair salon
One of my personal favorite places to hide a book is at a fancy hair salon underneath the magazines on the waiting room table. A book resting on one of these tables would be “hiding in plain sight”. I once laid down fully prone, my arms and legs stretched out, on one of the larger waiting room tables at one of the fancier hair salons on which I was covered by only a few beauty and sports magazines but no one even noticed me—a full grown human being—lying there. I even sneezed once from all the hair flying around and nary a glance from those patrons of fancy haircuts. So books especially blend in quite nicely on these tables and can go unnoticed for years. The salon doesn’t have to be fancy but the fancier the salon the less observant the people in them are. You may think it’s not the best place to hide a book but it’s my favorite place because a hair salon is like life in a container of focused activity but everyday conversation relative to the level of its fancy. Yes it is. Think about it.
Can you see where it’s hidden?
I’m also hiding among the magazines but Riot Felice has convinced me to not reveal exactly where I’m hiding for fear of revealing my identity.
There will probably be very few bookstores left in an “alleged” rapist’s fascist regime so hiding your book in a bookstore probably won’t be an option. You probably wouldn’t want to be caught dead in a bookstore anyway because the chances are good that you would probably be found dead later. And I know you don’t want to be caught dead in a church but bookstores in the future will be a separate part of churches where they’ll sell bibles and other religious texts that are useful only to the church but that people will likely be forced to read or at least be forced to pretend to read as part of the church’s agreement with the “alleged” rapist’s regime (it’s happened before—#catholics, #germany, #nazis). If you have to hide your book in a church make sure you take the fake Bible book cover off because there is a natural repulsion of most church people (most, not all) to a real book and they probably wouldn’t even see it. There’s a theory that the most devout church people actually can’t see real books so that’s why they don’t read them. Weird but true as far as theories go.
Most religious people can’t see it but it’s there. Can you see it?
It’s been there the whole time!
3. Inside (or outside!) a barbeque grill on someone’s patio
Inside a barbeque grill on someone’s patio has a scale of danger levels other hiding places don’t have. During the winter the danger level of the book being found is low. But during the summer the danger level of the book being found is high. There are other places connected to someone’s apartment or house to hide a book during the spring and summer and even fall and I recommend using those other places during those high danger level months but in case of an emergency and if the book absolutely has to be hidden because some bootlickers dressed in black followed by a band of dickish news media personalities (especially the morning ones like Morning Toe—ah what the fuck?!…all of them—who say they are just there to report the news instead of telling the truth) have forced their way into your private enclave, then a barbeque grill on someone’s patio isn’t the worst place. Expert book-hiders even hide their books on the outside of a barbeque grill.
An expert book-hider makes sure you’ll never see it!
But voila! The “alleged” rapist’s bootlickers will never see it!
4. On top of a ceiling fan
On top of a ceiling fan in a fan shop or wherever you are that might have a ceiling fan (best during cooler months) is one of the trickier places to hide a book because balance is of the utmost importance. For inexperienced hiders the book must have both covers and be at least 200 pages long. For new hiders, I recommend placing a never-opened book flat on the fan blade. For the more experienced hiders the shape, size, and placement of the book shouldn’t matter. I hid one book on a ceiling fan by placing it spine down with a book marker (which shifts the weight to make the book unbalanced) between pages 23 and 24 of Chapter 2. I’ve heard of some hiders who don’t have a book marker (and don’t want to fold the edge of the page so as to not damage the book) leave their book open to where they had left off reading and come back weeks later to find the book in the exact same position as they left it so they could just discreetly scuttle up a ladder, grab the book, and continue reading where they left off. The blade of the ceiling fan should be dusted first, however, so the hidden book doesn’t get dirty (unless it’s a dirty, nasty, juicy book already). But most stores clean the blades on their ceiling fans so worries allayed.
Where is it? Can’t see it?
Take a closer look!
5. Pinned to the bulletin board of a city coffee shop
Almost everyone I know likes to drink coffee so you might think that a coffee shop would be too busy a place to hide a book but no. If some other writer showed up at a coffee shop or was kidnapped for some reason to be killed later after some secret memos were found that implicated not only you but most of your family members then where would be a better place? Also the chances are pretty high that you might already be at a coffee shop in the city and if you can’t hurry outside to hide the book in a newspaper vending machine* and/or the coffee shop doesn’t have a ceiling fan (which most don’t) then you’ll need to think quickly. Just make sure that when you go to a coffee shop that you also carry a sturdy hammer and a couple of big nails you can use to nail your book to the coffee shop’s bulletin board. Make sure you do it when no one is looking.
The book hidden on an empty coffee shop bulletin board. You’ll see it if you know where to look.
Ta-da! It’s right there. But don’t let those bootlickers know.
There are other places to hide your book and there are different reasons for hiding books in different places which is an entirely different branch of book-hiding studies that we haven’t delved into but as you are forced to hide your books in different places you’ll begin to understand the nuances of those reasons and become an expert yourself. Where are you Felice?!
*A newspaper vending machine is a great place to hide multiple books. Send us a message if you want the details.